sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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