Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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