I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
