Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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