I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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