I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
