I just threw up on my dentist
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
