As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
