You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
