Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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