you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
