Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize