Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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