Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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