I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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