a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
