I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
