I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize