Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
