My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
