Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize