im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
