If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
