I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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