dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
