You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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