I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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