My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
