while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Vodka?
Forever.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
