my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize