Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
