Can i not drive my cunt home
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I have surprise drugs for everyone
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
