walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I am midnight drunk by noon
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
