Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I touched a dick in church today
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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