There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize