I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
