it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
