I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
its liver damage thursday
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
