Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
