At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
