then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
We smell like vodka and hangover
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