Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
