I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
She made me pour olive oil on her.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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