nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
