We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
