i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
