Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
