cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
