I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
