Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
