Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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