Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
