dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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