I wish my penis had an off switch
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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