I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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