i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
