I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize