Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
