Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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