some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
