I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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