I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
