when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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