I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Randomize
