I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Randomize
